The Amazing Trials of Captain Vulpes
by Brent-Ka
Summary: Reality crumbles around Sonic and Tails as both are seemingly trapped in a world straight out of an old radio drama. Can our heroes face down the schlock and reconstruct their world before one overrides the other? And what caused this whole mess anyway?
1. Prolouge

**And now boys and girls alike, thrill to the amazing adventures of CAPTAIN VULPES! This hero of the future uses his wit and fantastic weaponry of the times to come, to combat the wicked Darkmind and his horde of evil abominations!**

**CAPTAIN VULPES will strike a blow for justice, and save the future. Bought to you by your good friends at Wizwow Confections! Delicious sugary treats guaranteed to put the pep back in your step. Your parents know that a Wizwow taffy, or chocolate bar is exactly the thing you need when you're feeling low, and you know there's nothing tastier.**

* * *

Tails woke up and faced nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing on the itinerary that particularly stood out, no odd weather patterns, the various scanners and devices scattered around his place at the Mystic Ruins were silent, by all accounts it was an average day.

In other words things were destined to go horribly, horribly wrong and the fox knew it.

While his paranoia was certainly high and away at this point, Tails never believed in running away from his problems. It was much more efficient to run _towards _them, arms flailing in an attempt to scare them off. A little something he had learned from Sonic. One part of it was blind courage, the other hope that it would all work out in the end, and the largest chunk consisted of willful ignorance and delusion that they just might. Two parts optimism with a healthy dose of pessimistic doom to sugarcoat it.

Trying to pass the time, the sixteen year old kit curled up with a few good books. If nothing else, they helped him at least sort of forget the impending doom. Some confusing sci-fi novel he hadn't worked his way through yet, a biography on Billy Bishop, and a collection of Father Brown stories. Heck, even if today turned out to be a false alarm, at least he could get a good kick out of...

A loud buzzer interrupted him before he could so much as crack one of them open. Sighing, the fox made his way out of his bedroom as the buzzer sounded over and over again. Finally reaching the entryway he threw open the front door.

"Hey." Sonic stood in front of him. "Please tell me ya found something. Some major disaster, more robots, some guy in town selling bootleg DVDs...anything at this point."

"Nope." Tails shut the door.

"Not funny!" The voice came up from the other end.

"Would you relax? If anything came up I'd get a hold of you." Tails shot back.

Well that was an outright lie. You didn't _find_ Sonic he just showed up where he needed to be. Tails had it figured, it was hardwired into the universe somehow. For every action (That was remotely evil), there was an equal and opposite reaction (Sonic). Prower's Third Law of Hedgehogs.

"I swear if you don't open this thing, I'm bashing it in!" Sonic yelled.

"With what? Those dinner rolls you call feet?"

"That it! Prepare for..." There was a loud thump and several seconds of silence.

Tails sighed and opened the door to find the hedgehog nursing an injured foot. "'Alright, now wait a sec." The fox held up a paw before Sonic could get a word out. "Why didn't you just spin dash the thing into oblivion?"

"Wasn't think-" Sonic began.

"Really?." Tails growled at him. "Get in." He gestured furiously.

"You're nice and pissy today. Plane explode again?" Sonic glared at him as he stepped in.

"No." Tails shut the door. "And sorry about that. It's just...well you know. Nothing going on, average day..."

"It's okay, I'm on edge too." Sonic shrugged. "I keep expecting a comet to fall out of the sky and smack me into the ground or somethin'. Kind of takes the fun out of the morning run when you think everything's trying to kill you."

"Now see that's the thing." Tails pointed out. "Normally everything is trying to kill you."

"I know. And I can deal with that. Least I know where I stand. This though? I like peace, don't get me wrong but it's...No. Ain't gonna say it.

"Quiet?" Tails offered.

"Ain't gonna say it." Sonic's teeth were clenched.

"Toooooo quiet?" Tails broke out into a grin.

Sonic opened his mouth as if to say something but stopped and chuckled a bit. "You're really trying to tempt fate huh?"

"Wouldn't mind it. Like you said, least I know where I'd stand." Tails cracked his back. "But so far, no go. You want some coffffff..." The question died as he saw Sonic's expression. "Sorry. I mean hot chocolate?"

"What did I tell you?"

"It's not like I'm guzzling the stuff. Besides, unlike you I've done the research and there's no harm in..."

"What..did.. I..tell..you?" Sonic repeated the question slowly.

Tails sighed. "Caffeine is a cheap substitute for actual good 'ol runnin' on your own two legs and blah blah work out more blah blah blah something about chili dogs. You want the chocolate or not?"

"Sure." Sonic nodded as he followed Tails into the dinning room.

Well, the sort-of dining room, at least Tails liked to call it that because it sounded like he lived in an actual house rather than the multi-room garage his place actually was, and compared to most of his home it at least had some sort of effort put into it. Granted that effort had involved Amy breaking in at night and reorganizing the place, but the results weren't too shabby: fewer tools lying around on the floor, and the old table he had set up was finally clear enough for at least one person to sit at.

And therein betrayed Tails' awful secret. He liked stuff.

Oh sure, the random bits and gears lying around you'd expect to find. The books that practically served as his flooring in the bedroom were even alright. Again, expected. That's what geniuses did wasn't it? What usually stunned the rest of the group was the pure amount of junk he managed to accumulate.

Old movie posters randomly thrown up on the wall at odd intervals, plastic action figures dotting anything resembling a table or counter, half-forgotten Flicky seed scattered across the back porch, and photographs _everywhere_. Not just of Tails and the usual gang (Though that was a good chunk of it), but just of random things, old engines, some not particularly interesting bits of the Mystic Ruins, and what Tails preferred to call "glamour" shots of his various planes and inventions. And good Lord, no one wanted to mention the outdated electronics.

"That's an vacuum tube from the original UNIVAC." Tails would be prone to pointing out something that was left on the floor for all to step on, or even better, "One of the last remaining Sega Neptunes in the known world. No, it doesn't actually work."

In fact what had currently captured Sonic's attention was the large antique radio that currently dominated the dining room table.

"Uh, bud?" He called out. "What's with the Thirties bit? You gettin' all misty eyed for Depression and war?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." Tails voice came from the kitchen right beside the room. "Here, let me show ya something while we wait for this stuff to heat." He strolled back into the room and nearly dove on the radio. "See? It's not an actual radio anymore. Tweaked it a bit."

"Course ya did." Sonic looked unimpressed. "What'ya make it do, shoot lasers anytime someone messes with the volume?"

"No, but I'm marking that down for future reference." Tails grabbed a nearby pen and scribbled something down on a scrap of paper lying about. "Nah, they're ain't a whole lot of dramas or shows on our side of the hemisphere right?"

"Right. Most of the country gave it up when we realized it was more entertaining to actually...I don't know, see stuff?"

"And that's what makes us all lazy jackasses." Tails grinned sarcastically. "So, since I wanted the full on experience, this thing is really just an elaborate CD player. I've got some old dramas set up and some Big Band music added to it for flavor." In the background the microwave beeped. "And..." Tails left for the kitchen, keeping up the conversation. "It actually turned out pretty well." He walked out carrying two mugs of hot chocolate. "The best part is, if there's nothing on TV, I just switch the thing on, and spend my time moping about how there's nothing on the radio."

"Big improvement." Sonic yawned.

"It's not that bad." Tails slid a mug over to the hedgehog. "Here, let me show you one of my favorites." He flicked on the radio to nothing but static. "Wait...what the?" He turned another knob, and much to his chagrin the static merely reached a crescendo.

"Wait." Sonic took a sip. "Thought you said the thing didn't pick up signals."

"It doesn't." Tails raised an eyebrow. "That knob was meant to change CDs, not stations."

"Guess technical problems are better than this creepy feeling I've been getting all day." Sonic shrugged a bit. "So what do you think the problem is?"

"I've got no idea." Tails hammered on what he had intended to be the eject button to no effect.

"Well if you're gonna stick to the theme, couldn't you just turn the reaction knob?"

"I told you, it's not a radio!" Tails threw his paws up in frustration. "That knob's just for kicks, see?" He gave it a quick twist.

The unpleasant sound of reality coming to an end streamed out of the speaker.

* * *

"_Captain Vulpes was originally conceived of as a magazine serial by Bill Wesset in 1929. Building off the rising popularity of science fiction heroes, at first Wesset's creation was no different from the hordes of Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon clones. Typical hero fights enemies in a hostile environment, that sort of thing. But the written serials still have their own little spark about them. No one knew what they were going to become, but you could see the seeds of a larger story arc being planted here and there. One of the more famous stories in fact "Rise of Darkmind" was one of the first real attempts by Wesset to try and portray the characters in a different light. Many fans and critics in fact regard it as the first of the so called 'Ten Trials' arc. It remains to this day, a forerunner to the later stories and most pop culture historians regard it as the key moment of development for the series. " - __The Complete Captain Vulpes Encyclopedia__ by Jonathan Yulie_

* * *

"You didn't."

"It's a safety precaution. Besides, it's one of the fake ones that YOU rigged up. You really think I'd be able to sneak one of 'em out from Knux?...Okay, so a drunken toddler could probably do that but..."

"You DIDN'T."

"No, I didn't, you did by turning that thing on!"

"Okay, okay..let's just wait until the smoke clears. Then I can fix the thing up."

The mist gradually floated away, but instead of Tails' beloved but unorganized home, the scenery had changed somewhat.

"Ooo. Another large smoking crater." Sonic winced. "Sorry pal. But hey, at least this time I'M the one that blew it up."

"Uh..." Tails looked around and swallowed. "Sonic?"

"Yeah?"

"First of all, this isn't my place...or even a crater where my place used to be. In fact, I don't think this is even the Mystic Ruins."

"Really?" Sonic absentmindedly took another sip of cocoa, surprised to find that he was still holding the mug. "Great. At least this sets us up for a good run back home. Where are we? Dust Hill? Sandopolis?"

"From the looks of it, some sort of horrible godforsaken hellhole."

"Marble Garden?"

"...Alright, not quite that horrible, but the giant grotesquely disfigured eagles are a bad start." Tails pointed to the sky.

"Ohhhhhh..." Sonic dropped the mug as he looked up.

'Eagles' wasn't the correct term. That would imply that they were still recognizable by our standards. What currently flew up there looked like a half-cooked turkey dinner and an experimental airplane had somehow had a love child. The neck was far too short, the head completely invisible from the ground, and the wing structure so ridiculous, one could almost attest that they were positioned vertically rather than the structure of your traditional raptor. Add to the fact, that not only were the things bald, but were covered in some sort of thin light green film, and Sonic would agree: It was the second most disguising thing he had ever seen.

"That's just not right." The hedgehog clamped a gloved hand to his mouth. "They coming for us?"

"Given how this usually goes for us..." Tails nodded quickly. "Run."

Sonic dropped his hand. smiling a bit. "That, I can do." Grabbing the fox by the paw, he soon vanished, leaving a long dirt trail behind them.

"Holy crap, they're still following?" Sonic looked behind him. "It's been five minutes!"

"Rrrryrerreryr." Tails tried to get something out, completely failing, as he was jolted along the rough terrain.

"Keep your legs up. UP. I'll end up dragging you if you don't focus." Sonic didn't take his gaze off their pursuers. They were fast alright, nowhere approaching him of course, and he wasn't even going fast, but yeah, they could move a bit. Enough to where he knew if they were walking, the things would have rammed into them pretty hard.

"Now for the messy part. You gonna be alright if I let go?"

Tails tried to nod, only to get his head whipped back from the force of the wind. "Yeahhh." He managed to choke.

"'Kay. Gonna let you off easy, slow down but don't stop right away or it'll be like hittin' a cliff." Sonic let go as Tails gradually slowed down and became part of the blur surrounding him. _God, why can't they be mechanical?_ He thought to himself. Skidding to the side, he leaped directly for one of the birds just as it began the dive for Tails.

* * *

There was a reason he called it the messy part. The spin dash worked pretty cleanly on robots. Sometimes the oil leaked out all over you, but all in all he had gotten good at cutting the metal rather cleanly. Always nice, always precise. On organic things however, things didn't always end up so pristine. The blood wasn't even the worst part. Sure the thing looked nasty enough when you were done, but actually doing it, and feeling the skin give to the organs (And even more so feeling _those_ slowly shred to pieces under your own skin) made the hedgehog more than a little sick.

"Oh God, oh God, it's all over me." He shuddered as the remaining birds flew away at the first sight of a predator. Turning away, he choked a bit, in an attempt to try and ignore the smell.

"Easy there pallie." Tails was beside him in a flash, helping him up. "They're not followin' anymore and you'll be fine once we get to some water and clean ya up."

"I don't even want to know what it was I just cut through. _There weren't any bones_. All of it was just...urghkleop."

Tails turned away while he waited for the hedgehog to finish. "You gonna be alright? Need anything to drink?"

"Fine, fine." Sonic coughed a bit wiping his mouth off. "You sure there ain't any more of them around."

Tails put a paw up to his forehead and looked about the sky. "Nah, we're clear. Not that we're in a good situation though." He threw out his arms to the expanse surrounding them. "Good old fashioned wasteland! Nothing but dirt for miles on end! Not even a hint of sand, mountain or a freakin' cloud."

"The air's not right here." Sonic panted a bit. "Smelled it while running, it's weird, got a chemical twang to it."

"Robobutt again?"

"Nah, whatever happened to us we bought it on ourselves. And those things definitely were not up his alley."

Tails closed his eyes for a bit and tried to gain some space between himself and the ground.

"There's no wind." He stopped twirling his tails. "No breeze, nothing."

"Can you still fly?"

"Lift isn't going to be a problem, it's control." Tails sat on the ground. "If I don't have nothing to steer by, all I be able to do is go up and down."

"Yippie." Sonic sat down next to him. "So what now? Do we lie down and die or something?"

"No I can't. I've got a Flicky to feed." Tails sighed.

"Well drat. Guess that means we're going to have to figure out how to leave this paradise huh?" Sonic laid himself out putting his hands behind his head, his eyes willfully avoiding his stained quills.

"The fake emerald still works as an emulate right?" Tails looked at him. "Can't you get us out of here using your crazy zappy powers?"

"And you're supposed to be the articulate one." Sonic laughed. "No good, it's dead." He rummaged about finding the object and throwing it to the ground. "Not a hint of juice left in it. Whatever that stupid radio did, it took everything out of it."

"I still can't believe it was that thing that did it." Tails scratched a bit in the dirt. "It was nothing but a custom framework built over a CD player."

"Yeah, well I still blame you." Sonic yawned. "If it wasn't the radio, than for that hunk of rock you made."

"This thing?" Tails picked up the fake emerald. "It's nothing more than a copy, I was trying to figure out exactly how the emeralds transferred energy from one thing to the next. No harm in that."

"I think you tapped into something bad." Sonic stated flatly. "You ever think that pure solidified chaos is probably NOT the best thing to mess around with?"

"Oh, excuse me. Like you're the great master of self control when it comes to that. When's the next time you go all shiny huh?"

"It's different with me Tails. They...they work with me." Sonic tried to explain. "It's like when I try to fly the Tornado. I can _do_ it, but not the same way you can. It's not mine, ya know?"

"Well, whatever." Tails stared at the stone. "It's not like we're going to..." Squinting a bit he lowered the husk. "Hey!"

"What, what is it?" Sonic sprang up.

"There's a dirt cloud kicking up right in front of us. Looks like some sort of truck."

"Thank God." Sonic stretched a bit. "Well, wanna flag it down?"

"That depends," Tails looked a little scared, clutching onto the fake emerald for dear life. "On whether you mean actually flagging it down or..."

* * *

"THISSSSSS!" Tails yelled out as Sonic blasted towards the truck, fox in hand.

"Shut up, it's more noticeable this way."

"YES, WRECKING HEADFIRST INTO THE CAR IS MORE NOTICEABLE, I'LL CONCEDE!" Tails yelled out. "BUT IT'S HARDLY..."

The effect of the lecture was somewhat lost as most of the words came out of the fox's mouth as "Yswrcrntclecnd!" or at the very least a close approximation.

"Legs up, dangit!" Sonic flicked him in the head.

* * *

"_...Lily Maill was in fact based on Wesset's wife also named Lily. The fact that she remained Captain Vulpes' love interest for almost three decades outlasted the Wessets' own marriage which came to an end in the 1943. Lily Wesset later claimed that " [Bill] had driven himself into obsession. The radio drama was one thing, but the comic was another. He wasn't the same anymore, just working and working on all the Vuples stories he could write. It sort of felt like I lost him after that, he just wasn't the same."_

_Those that knew the Wessets noticed several discrepancies between Lily and her fictional counterpart, often bought in and out of the stories by Bill's whims. "If they were in an argument" One friend of the family remembers, "The next story he'd write about would have Lily Maill being submissive and weak. When she stood up and supported him, she'd snap right back to being smart and intelligent. I think it was sort of Bill's way of letting her know if she was 'acting' right or something. Poor girl, no wonder she left. Bill began to think of her AS Lily Maill." - - __The Complete Captain Vulpes Encyclopedia__ by Jonathan Yulie_

_

* * *

_

Lieutenant Lillian Maill was having a bad day.

It wasn't the fact that Johnnie had gone off again on another pointless mission, probably to save some poor starving race of aliens who had no mouths or something, it wasn't even the fact that the explosion had registered all the way out here in the Forsaken Desert. It was...was...

Scratch that. It _was_ those two things.

It got considerably worse when a blue hedgehog covered in spurts of blood, dragging some poor fox cub nearly collided with her truck.

* * *

"Freeze!" A voice came up from the truck.

They didn't. Tails heaved several breaths, while Sonic dug for something in his ear.

"I said free-" A raccoon girl wearing a blue jumpsuit sprung up from the car, aiming some sort of gun? Projectile? Thing? Whatever it was, it was a weapon and she was clearly aiming it at the two.

"We heard ya." Sonic waved her off. "Sorry to be rude, but we've had a really rotten day and we just want to go home. Mind giving us a ride?"

"You have my sympathy over the rotten day thing." The racoon kept her gun pointed at them. "But what do you mean by home? If you're from Topia, how'd you get all the way out here?"

"A radio, the mystic powers of chaos and a cup of hot cocoa." Sonic rolled his eyes. "And we're not from wherever. If you haven't noticed, forgive the blood, I'm Sonic The Hedgehog."

"Just 'the Hedgehog'? They didn't bother giving you a last name?"

"What'ya mean just 'the Hedgehog?' I'm THE Hedgehog." Sonic grew agitated.

Tails slapped a paw to his head. "You've got to forgive my friend. His ego won't let him consider that there's people who don't know him."

"Used to that one." Lily nodded. "And what about you?"

Standing straight upright, and curling his upper tail behind his back, Tails tried not to give away the obvious just yet. "Miles Prower. Call me Tails, Foxboy, Ishmael, or anything that doesn't involve the name 'Miles'."

The raccoon squinted a bit. "Closer."

"What?"

"You're hiding something behind your back. Step closer."

Cursing slightly, Tails stepped forward, letting the tail fall back into position. "Alright you got me, I'm a bit of a -HOLY..." He dove out of the way as a small beam came flying at him.

"Hell! Never met one of ya that could talk." The girl grew a dark grin on her face. "Let's see if you can dance too..."

"How about a tango?" Sonic suddenly came from behind her, and twisted her arm, forcing her to drop the gun. and putting her into a hold "I can lead, if you want."

"But you didn't..." The raccoon choked. "You didn't m-move..."

"Oh, I did." Sonic assured her. "Now why are you trying to blast my little bro into ground meat?"

"H-He's a Mindset! He'll kill both of..." Her eyes grew wide. "Dammit, you're one too ain't ya?"

"Listen." The hedgehog twisted her arm a little tighter. "We're not what you think we are, because that sounds bad, and we're not bad guys are we Tails?"

The fox shook his head. "Mindset though? Couldn't you be more original?"

"What? Look, just let go and I'll let you go. You can go crawling back to Darkmind and I'll leave you alone alright?" The woman tried to bargin.

Tails nearly tripped. "Darkmi-wait, what's your name?"

"You don't get to know nuttin' Set!"

"Does it matter Tails?" Sonic looked at him. "Let's just get her to take us back home and we can forget-"

Tails blinked a little. "Lily Maill."

The raccoon went completely slack, stopping her resistance against Sonic. "W-what? How did you know..."

"Lover of Captain Vulpes, Age- Nineteen. You were born in New St. Louis before Darkmind blasted the country into rubble."

"What the hell dude?" Sonic stared at him.

"Sonic..." Tails gulped. "I think something went reallllly wrong."


	2. Rise of Darkmind! Pt 1

_This was supposed to be so simple._

_"Write something un-KML related." My brain said. "You know something to take the edge off. Make it light, make it easy, don't get too complicated."_

_I sort of ignored it._

_So here we are in a world inspired by several different schlock works as I try to channel Cabon's Kavalier & Clay (Except you know without all the depressing bits and the porn) and mesh it all together in something mildly interesting. Problem is, my brain also told me to write each Trial as a separate chapter. There only ten of them then right? Yeahhhh plans have changed. Regardless I think this is gonna be fun, though much longer than I had anticipated. Keep on me on this one folks, I don't want to be drug down into another pit of non-updating...ness. Savvier readers will notice certain details- Yes this IS the same Tails from You Aren't and You Are...and you're going to get some surprises later on. Shoot! Shoot! Start the story, Brent! Cue the announcer!_

* * *

**And now we once again return the fantastic future of CAPTAIN VULPES! Remember boys and girls, the adventures of our valiant hero don't just end with this broadcast! Be sure to read the new comic strip in your local paper. As always the Captain's journeys are bought to you by your pals at Wizwow Confections. Delicious, nutritious sugary snacks that everybody loves!**

* * *

This was so embarrassing.

Lily was used to being kidnapped, it happened on an almost monthly basis. Some Set would tie her up, and drag her off to Darkmind's, then the whole crew would come in and blast everything to pieces, rescue her, wash, rinse, repeat. What was odd about this one was that these Sets were obviously defective. There they sat in the backseat, both claiming to 'keep an eye' on her, but otherwise totally ignoring the raccoon, as she was forced to drive the truck to...well, somewhere she supposed.

This wasn't how it worked. She was supposed to be in the back planning in an escape or something, not chauffeuring her enemies directly into Topia. The Mindsets must've really gotten an upgrade since last time. A few months ago, they could barely shout the words 'We obey!' without nearly choking to death on one of the vowels. There were supposed to be mindless things that Darkmind just...commanded. This was all too terrible.

As she drove on, she began to listen into the conversation going on between the two.

"Standard dimension switch." The fox-looking one spoke up from the backseat. "Problem is this one isn't normal."

"Are they ever normal? Robot pirates? Cats that set things on fire with their minds?" The hedgehog Set chuckled. "I'm still trying to figure out that whole incident with the talkin' jelly beans."

"Okay, granted it isn't as weird as the beans, I'll give you that." The fox went on. "Look, you know the classics right? Flash Gordon, Brick Bradford, the old schlock heroes?"

"Let's see," The hedgehog tried to count on his glove. "One old time radio, plus one MacGuffin of raw power equals...great. We're trapped in crappy sci-fi pulp."

"Hey, watch it." The fox Set smirked. "This is Captain Vulpes. This is the big time."

"Oh, the one you used to collect Pez dispensers of." The hedgehog snapped his fingers. "Got it. So who's our lovely friend up there?"

"Already described that one to you. Lily Maill. She's the resident damsel in distress. Or started out as one anyway." The fox leaned up. "Excuse me, lieutenant. Mind telling us where you're carting us off to?"

"If I get a chance to, over a cliff!" The raccoon shoot back grumbling. "If you think I'm gonna let you Sets waltz into Topia and burn everything to the ground than..."

"Tails, miss. I'm Tails, he's Sonic. And we're not Sets. If we were, we'd be yelling out 'Hail Darkness!' and 'We obey!' every fifteen seconds. Notice how we've got minds of our own."

"You sure do _look_ like one. And what's with all the crazy running about your friend was doing?"

"Let's just say we're different." The hedgehog joined his friend, leaning up on the seat. "We're not from around here."

"Great." Lily stomped on the brakes, as the truck stopped almost instantaneously.

"Neat." The hedgehog or...Sonic whatever he wanted to be called raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Future tech's fun ain't it?" The mutant fox smiled.

Lily turned around to face them. "If you're what I think you are, it doesn't matter if you're Sets or not. I'm not going to lead you straight into town!"

"Yeah, said that already." 'Sonic' nodded. "She sure loves to drive the point home doesn't she?"

"Give her a break." 'Tails' pushed the hedgehog away a little. "She hasn't had decent character development yet. She mostly just stares and screams at things."

Growing furious, Lily slammed her paws on the wheel. "I'll have you know, that I am a fully registered officer of the Topia Peacekeeping Force! I've handled my fair share of Sets in my time..."

"Yeah, like two." 'Tails' mumbled.

"Seven!"

"And tell me, how many have you taken down since our good friend Vulpes showed up?"

Sitting mouth agape for a second or two, Lily desperately tried to recollect the many times she had helped her fr...

The many times she...

The many...the many...

* * *

"_...Lily started out in the same vein as the original Dale Arden, or reflective of the weaker moments of Wilma Deering. A strong woman on the surface, and really quite clever in most situations, but for the most part served as such a bland damsel in distress compared to her contemporaries that she was deemed uninteresting by critics, and mostly accepted by fans as the 'whining plot device' that Darkmind would continually kidnap over and over for no other reason described at first than to agitate and draw out Captain Vulpes._

_As the real Lillian gradually became more and more a part of Wesset's life, Lily Maill began to change. Nowhere is this more clear than in "Rise of Darkmind" which shattered the standard cold war plot that had been playing out in the early dramas and short stories. At this point, the lieutenant becomes an active force and a fierce fighter. In fact it's interesting to note, that by and large Lily Maill serves as the arc's main character, the viewpoint mostly stemming from her, in order to enhance the shocking changes that were about to happen to the character and mythos." - __The Complete Captain Vulpes Encyclopedia__ by Jonathan Yulie_

_

* * *

_

Sonic blinked a bit. "Ah, come on. Don't tell me it's night already. It was seven in the morning a little bit ago."

Tails looked up at the sad, bland sky as a not too particularly impressive sun began to set. "I don't think that's going to matter much here." The fox mumbled. Whatever kind of world they had ended up in, it was obviously going to play by it's own rules and that included night crashing down for drama at random times. It fit the bill for one of them anyway. Looking over at their 'captive', Tails began to study Lily's expression as she moped behind the wheel of the truck.

_Poor girl_, he thought miserably to himself. _I really shouldn't have tried to play the 'I know how this works' angle up. _Besides he had always liked Lily better than the rest of the supporting cast anyway, and then there was the sidekick factor to boot. How often had been pulled into that same mood? 'You're useless.' 'You're a pain' etcetera to the end. He had heard it all before and managed to struggle through it, that's who he was. Lily on the other hand never really had to face her inferiority really, until the series really kicked into gear. Heck she never even really faced it per se, just became much more interesting in the course of one or two stories.

"Hey, um..." Tails scratched the back of his head. "I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean you were useless or anything."

"I'm not." The raccoon grit her teeth. "Or I wasn't. It's all his fault isn't it?..." She started on a a thought and dropped it. Tails didn't push. Here they were kidnapping her and dragging her into self-realization. There wasn't much of a chance she was going to open to them like a floodgate or anything.

"So..." She tried to start again. "If you two aren't Sets then you're from Hoshvorld right?"

Tails laughed a little. No matter how many times he had rolled his eyes at the name of the 'evil planet' there was still something inherently funny about it.

"If we were, do you think we would have kept you alive?"

"No." Lily shook her head. "So what exactly are you two anyway?"

"Extra-dimensional." Tails shrugged nonchalantly. "You know, typical science experiment, we screw up, bad things happen. You've seen it all before." He knew that one was true anyway. Who was the resident genius of this part of the series anyway? The fox thought quickly to the early years. Freosh? Professor Saltz?

Didn't matter. Not like they could match Zarkov's insanity or fun. Geez, the early stuff was kind of bland. Either Darkmind comes up with a scheme to try and draw out Captain Vulpes so he could kill him, or Hoshvorld would invade again. Tails figured it had to get tiring after a while.

Rapping one of his shoes on the floorboards, Sonic spoke up. "Alright, you've got the basic picture. We're not here to tear your heart out and eat it, and you're a little more than you let on. Fine, I can live with that. Know what I can't live with? Us not moving. Can't you just tell me where we're going and I'll have you guys there in less than half an hour. I'm good with directions."

Tails looked over at him. "No, you're not."

"Nah, I'm good with 'em cause I don't usually need 'em right? Even if I get lost once or twice it still means I show up earlier than everybody else."

Tails shrugged. That much was true anyway. When you were traveling around at that sort of speed, 'directions' became largely irrelevant. The main thing that mattered was that you got there, and getting there was what Sonic was usually about anyway.

"We're actually not that far from home." Lily started the truck again. "Besides, like I said before, the last thing Topia needs is strangers. It'd be a lot less troublesome if I got you two in by myself."

Sonic muttered a bit, sinking back in the seat. Sure the lady made sense, but all this trudging along made him a bit on edge. It'd be another matter entirely if the landscape had provided anything to look at, but so far it was more of the same- Flat desolate, featureless wasteland with no wind. In fact...

"Alright, this place is really creeping me out. Would one of you kindly explain to me exactly why everything's dead?"

Tails put a paw to his forehead for a second in thought. "Stupid backstory...Wait, no. I got this. So in the far off future of the eighties, scientists here perfected genetic engi-"

"Oh God, no! Not again!" Sonic covered his ears. "If I have to hear you ramble on about Watson and Crick one more time I'll..."

"Nah, relax. It's not what you think. See, at best all they can make is automatons. They call them Mindsets. They're really just fancy puppets."

"So sort of like organic robots?"

"Yeah." Tails nodded. "It'd be easier for you to think of them that way. That was probably what those boneless turkeys were back there too."

"Brambuzzards." Lily confirmed as she drove on. "I'm surprised you were able to fight them. Normal people would just get overtaken by them. They're quite heavy when they ram into you."

"Yeah? Surprising for what's underneath." Sonic shuddered a bit as he tried in vain to brush his stained quills again. "Right. So the bad things are Mindsets, or Sets for short right?"

"Yep." Tails answered. "And if you can't guess the guy they're calling Darkmind is evil overlord of 'em."

"Realllllly?" Sonic rolled his eyes sarcastically. "And with a name like that I thought he bred puppies."

"Oh he does." Tails laughed. "Puppies of DEATH!"

Lily shook her head. "Okay, for someone who isn't native to this place you know an awful lot about it. And how the heck could you know about the Puppies of Death anyway? He just sicked those on us a few weeks ago."

"That was an actual story?" Sonic looked at Tails. "Are they gonna get any worse?"

"That depends on how you define 'worse.'" Tails shrugged. "As for me knowing things," He tried to turn the conversation towards Lily's point. "Think of it as if your world was a fully mass marketable franchise spanning about eight decades worth of material, and I myself am somewhat of a devotee."

"What?"

"He's one of your fanboys." Sonic smirked. "Or Captain Vulpes' or whoever."

"Everybody's a fan of Captain Vulpes." The raccoon brushed the comment off.

"Wait, now hold it. It's not to say I don't like the guy. I just think you and the others are more interesting."

"You just spent the last fifteen minutes humiliating me. If that's how you show favoritism..."

"You're fictional in our universe!" Sonic tried to drive the point home in an attempt to kill the conversation. "He reads and listens and other crap and he knows what's going to happen!"

"_Could_ happen." Tails corrected him. "There's no telling if this universe is based directly off of the stories or if our presence here alters them in some way."

Lily drove on for a second in silence.

"So you mean..." She spoke up again. "That you know when Jo-when Captain Vulpes is coming back?"

"Wait." Tails looked a little taken aback. "He's gone?"

"Packed up and left in a Starshot a few weeks ago. We haven't heard from him since."

"Lily..." Tails rubbed his eyebrows, his voice starting to pick a little agitation. "I _really_ think we should stay way from Topia right now."

"Is something gonna explode again?" Sonic asked. "'Cause frankly I wouldn't mind something exploding. At least that would be entertaining."

Tails sighed a bit trying desperately to put the words in their proper order.

"Alright," He started. "Darkmind's going to blow the place to bits and everyone's going to die."

_Nice job_ his mind informed him as Lily bought the truck to another halt.

"WHAT?"

"Well, it's how the story goes. The first of the Ten Trails." Tails gave a little shrug. "They had to end the war thing somehow and get you guys on the run, so..." He was cut off as Lily slammed on the accelerator, the truck now going as fast it could take itself.

"Eh..." Sonic twirled a finger in the air. "I've seen better."

"No, really!" Tails had been slammed into the backseat from the sudden burst of speed. Desperately he tried to claw his way back up to the front and get Lily's attention. "I'm not kidding around!"

"You said it yourself, this might not be the same universe right?" Lily didn't take her eye off the horizon. "So that means there's a chance to stop it. When's it gonna happen?"

"I don't know, it's not like the show mentions the exact date and time. I just know that Captain Vulpes leaving was the catalyst. Gave Darkmind the excuse!"

"Then we'll wing it! Set up a defense! Talk to Saltz! Do...I don't know, something!" Lily flailed around a bit as she made a sharp turn, the truck never once skidding out of control.

Defeated, Tails sank back into the backseat. "You're better at this than me." He whispered to Sonic. "Get her to stop."

"Is it gonna be that bad?"

"You wanna be in the middle of it?"

Gripping the passenger seat, Sonic pulled himself up to the front effortlessly. "Hello there Miss Maill. Just wanted to make sure we understand that..." The hedgehog made a grab for the wheel. Without turning around, Lily lifted a paw up, gun still in tow. Firing twice close enough to singe the very edge of one of Sonic's stained quills, she kept a claw on the trigger

"Wrong answer." Sonic flipped over the side of the truck, hanging onto the cutaway door by his gloves. Noticing what was about to happen, Tails threw himself underneath the seat. The truck clunked exactly five times and finally began to slow down.

Lily smashed on the accelerator repeatedly to no effect, only to look up and notice what exactly was holding her progress- One very angry hedgehog running in the opposite direction.

"Lesson one, remember exactly who you're dealing with." Tails' voice streamed out from the flat of the floor. "We're not trying to doom the others, we're trying to save your life."

Lily tightened her grip on the wheel of the truck tightly and put her head down. This wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all. _Why_ was everyone going to die? Because some deformed kit had read a story? This wasn't how reality worked, regardless of what world you were...

* * *

Somewhere in between, there was a sound that all of them heard, but instantly forgot the moment after it happened. If either Sonic or Tails were capable of remembering that this moment even occurred, they would have recognized it as an over bombastic ad for taffy.

* * *

As familiar sounds and smells started to surround her, Lily lifted her head up, staring at their surroundings.

Okay, again this wasn't how reality worked but she supposed she shouldn't be complaining.

Someway, somehow they were in front of the entrance to Topia.

* * *

**The Grand Free City of Topia! The last remnant of freedom out in the wastelands of the future, this magnificent metropolis with it's shining buildings, it's bustling Rocket Harbor, and topped off by the towering lab of the famous Professor Peirmond Saltz is the home and base of our hero!**

* * *

At first, Sonic's line of thinking was that he had simply ran backwards too fast, and had made one fantastic loop around the planet to where they had ended up at..well...this place. Than his brain nearly snapped in fear. Going that fast might've actually turned Tails and Lily into some sort of Jello.

Eh, it turned out they were alright though, since they were staring at him from the truck so whatever.

Wait, wait, wait a a second. if he didn't make a loop how exactly did they move forward? The only other explanation would've been that he was slower than the truck, and he knew that wasn't true in the least.

"Tails!"

"What?"

"Tell me how we got here. Feel free to use any sciency terms you want."

Tails hopped out of the truck and leaned on it's frame. "Alright. So according to the research I've done on physical metaphysics..." he trailed off

"Yeah?"

"That was a joke bud. No such thing. In other words, I have no flippin' clue. Lily? Any ideas?"

The raccoon shook her head.

"And there we go." Tails bit his lip. "It's a bit like the sun setting just a moment a-." He froze for a second. "Sonic?"

A chill ran down through Sonic's quills. "Uh..." He started. "Okay, how did that even happen?"

The sun was at it's high noon peak again.

"Yeah." Tails scratched his muzzle. "We're gonna need to ask an expert."

* * *

"So this Saltz guy? What's he like?" Sonic asked as they began to trudge up the many stairs inside the tower. Another thing about this crazy place that made no sense whatsoever. Floating streetcars bring you were you want to be in nearly a flash, but for some reason there was a distinct lack of an elevator in the dang place. Really if you wanted to go that far, you could say there was a distinct lack of place, period. So far, all they had seen was one long endless concrete stairway leading up, and nothing else. No other rooms, no lobby, just the staircase. Why would anyone build a tower just for the sake of having something tall?

"Crazy." Lily mumbled.

"Pretty much." Tails confirmed. "By the way Lily, you may wanna stay away from him. About twenty years from now, you lose an eye in one of his experiments."

Lily stared at the fox with a resigned look on her face. "You know, somehow I'm not surprised."

"You get a eyepatch." Tails shrugged.

"Is it computerized? Can I scan for things on it? Does it shoot lasers or something?" The lieutenant sighed.

"Nah. Just an eyepatch. Looks pretty badass though."

"Eh, twenty years gives me time to plan revenge." Lily didn't lose her pace going up the stairs.

Sonic smirked a bit and punched Tails in the arm.

Sighing, Tails let Lily take a few steps ahead, and then turned to his friend.

"You ain't got a chance with her for one, she's fictional." He whispered to Sonic.

"So? I can deal with fictional. I just want to know if she's like this all the time. I have this thing for sarcasm."

"Two, she's sort of taken. For the next sixty years actually."

"And the two never tied the knot?" Sonic raised an eyebrow. "Poor girl."

"You don't know the half of it. Wait until those sixty years are over and someone tries to do a revamp." Tails' face seemed to contort.. "On second thought, don't mention that. Ever. Anyway my third point is, we're not going to be stuck here forever and dragging her back with us would be a pretty bad idea."

"Why? Would it collapse the space time continuum or something?"

"No, it's far worse than that." Tails shuddered. "I'm trying to think of Amy's reaction."

"Oooo." Sonic deflated like an old balloon. "Forgot about her. Hey, I thought you said you had an idea to get her off my back."

Tails' fur stood a little on edge. "Uh...yeah. That didn't exactly work out the way I planned it..."

By now they had reached some sort of plateau. Lily broke them out of their conversation as she rapped at the door in front of them.

"Professor Saltz?" The raccoon called out. "Can we have a word with you?"

"Stay away!" A voice came shooting out of the room.

Their ears suddenly perking up, Sonic and Tails looked at each other and rushed ahead of Lily, knocking down and destroying the door in the process.

"Is this a thing with you two?" Lily fumed at them as the dust from the wreckage settled. "Sorry Professor, I've got some company with..."

She stared. The Professor stared back.

* * *

There was that feeling again. Something had happened but no could tell what. Whatever it was it passed by quickly. The boys wouldn't have noticed anyway as they were too busy trying to make sense of what was before them.

"Amy, I'm going to ask you this one time." Sonic held up a single gloved finger. "WHY?" He nearly fell emphasizing the question.

"I've got one." Tails added on. "Where'd you get the lab coat?"

Lily blinked a couple of times. This wasn't Saltz, unless one of his newer experiments had been to convert himself into a teenage girl.

Then again, it _was_ Saltz. It wouldn't have been that surprising.

Ah to hell with it. This day was just getting stranger by the minute.


End file.
